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She Should Spend the Money – Get Yourself Out of the Way
Get out of the spending lane
Okay, are you ready for this? If you are married, to put it candidly, get yourself out of the spending lane – like yesterday. Make sure your wife is in the driver’s seat.
Tunabudget believes, regardless of what the ‘world’ may think, that there is a better way of enhancing your family’s financial well-being. There are certain roles and responsibilities in the family unit. Fathers are responsible for their families, and his wife stands next to his side as ‘equal partners’; remember ‘equal’. Fathers are responsible for providing the necessities of life and to protect their families, and mothers are primarily responsible for the nurturing of the children. As the resources come into the household, that’s one thing, but how about the wife and mother having the first ‘real’ say as how those resources are to be used to benefit the well-being of their children? As you look at your current spending plan, how have those decisions been carried out in the past? Has more weight been placed on what you want to spend, big purchases, etc.? How much weight has been placed on your wife’s desires? How involved has she been? What if the two of you sat down and actually counselled together and prepared a Tunabudget worksheet plan, and, you put her desires and interests ahead of yours? What do you think would happen?
What is it that your wife really, really, really, really wants?
True, in today’s world, the typical household income may come from both spouses. And, there’s some sort of spending pattern that seemingly works, but it’s not likely a well-coordinated plan, right? You want to be sure to spend so much of ‘your money’, and she spends some portion of ‘her money’ right? The rest is pooled together to cover the core expenses, or some other arrangement. But what does your wife ‘really’ want for her family? What if she wanted something entirely different than what the two of you have been doing for years? What if she has other goals, other needs, and precious, silent desires to even take the family in a totally different direction? How would you even know? Do you know? What if she is working in her career and all the while she secretly in her heart wanted to be a ‘stay at home mom’, and raise her children? What if you’ve built a standard of living around two incomes, and like a mature tree, the branches don’t want to bend anymore? Maybe, you both would rather just ‘live off one income’, yours, so that she could be home raising her children, indeed. Perhaps she just wants new carpet and appliances, rather than the new car you really wanted. Again, do you even know what the real desires of her heart are? How can you find out? Have you asked her?
How to know the secret desires of your wife’s heart
But, regardless of who brings home the money, seriously, wouldn’t it be wonderful if your wife’s dreams were on center-stage of the overall spending decisions in your Tunabudget worksheet plan – with no-strings-attached? Ask yourself if you are the ‘spender’ in the family. Who is really making the big spending decisions? This would include things like whether or not there are certain investments, withholdings for retirement, and everything else. Sure, you know what you want, but how willing are you to toss all that out in favor of something else your wife really wants for you and her family? Are you willing to forego all that? For example, what if she just wants ‘family memories’ before the children all grow up and move away? What if that plan were to fly in the face of your glorious retirement plan? Would you give that all up if she wanted to use those funds now, to do something different, like use those resources to have special experiences with your family? What if the two of you wanted to enjoy the blessings of your religion and start paying religious contributions; how does that fit in? What if only one spouse wanted to do this, and not the other? What if she wanted to downsize the house to something smaller, and even have less expensive transportation, or move to another location – and that affected your job? Who is making these decisions today, and what sort of change in your mindset would be needed for you to bend and be willing to make perhaps gigantic changes in the way your budget works? Are you willing to sacrifice your entire financial ‘whatever’ to go ‘all in’ in making her desires and dreams come true? Unless and until you are, it is then that you will learn what she really wants. If you’re not willing, you will likely never know the true desires of heart – and life will go on just like it always has. But, before you move on and put this new approach aside, will you please re-consider putting your wife first?
Steps to take to revamp the spending plan
Insofar as the Tunabudget worksheet plan goes, and in the spirit of counseling together in a loving way, start by making sure the core household expenses due each month, and other agreed upon major expenditures, are listed on the worksheet; this will include things like the rent or mortgage, utilities, telephone, life insurance, fuel expense, auto insurance – yes, all the required things that absolutely must or should be paid each month – the decision to pay them is basically a foregone conclusion and nondiscretionary. But, keep in mind that, as you learn the real desires and intentions of your wife’s heart, there may soon be big changes for all these too. So, this experience will likely be done in phases, as things slowly but surely change. That’s why the Tunabudget worksheet plan is always in draft form, always. So, either of you, don’t fret it. Start with the current situation as it exists today. As you start this, go ahead and forecast your ‘current’ situation out a year or so, just realizing that the landscape should and will change. As her new decisions and direction become clearer, because of your excellent listening and desire to know your wife’s heart, so too will the worksheet numbers and forecast. The whole purpose of the Tunabudget worksheet plan is for each of you to see clearly where you are today, how you got there, and where you want to go – as she wants it. Starting to see how this works?
More steps
So, back to the Tunabudget worksheet plan. And, what about the rest of the money besides those non-discretionary core items, assuming there is some. The discretionary funds would cover things like food, savings, clothes, vacations, gifts, school, holidays, and so on. The answer is, what? Do you need to be reminded again, already; ready yet? The answer is to ‘put her first’ and be willing to go ‘all in’ with the desires of her heart. Get yourself out of the way of the spending lane. That’s right. Leave those discretionary spending decisions alone; they’re hers to make. Seriously, make sure whatever is ‘left over’, is in the hands of your wife. Don’t forget that as you go through the Tunabudget worksheet plan experience for a few months, you might realize there are major changes needed to refine your expense profile, like housing, transportation, religious contributions, etc., before you settle into a new budget and a new lifestyle. You can rest assured that life will be more full, rewarding and enjoyable. You see, your wife is not wired to mess this up. She will want to put you first too, and you will be fine. You’re the one in the way, so kindly step out of the lane and see that she and her desires are ahead of yours. It’s that simple. You have to be 100% willing; that’s 100%.
Another reminder, because you need it
Again, we’re talking about the Tunabudget worksheet plan showing the core expenses being ‘covered’ and everything else that’s left, is hers – to do with as she pleases. Remember, even the core expenses and assets can change. Yes, again in the spirit of counseling together with love, let her decide on whether there will be retirement savings, investments, additional resources for the family, paying off the house early, going on family vacations, saving for a vehicle, clothing, gifts, lessons for the children, etc. She’s basically using the money however and whenever she wants for the benefit of her family and possibly others too. So, to be sure you ‘get yourself out of the way’ and not be ‘all talk’, you could prove it by depositing all the non-core expense money into an account she owns that you don’t even sign on; you could also just bring home the cash; essentially do anything to show that such spending is ‘none of your business’ so to speak. And, how would she spend it? Honestly? You don’t really know, do you? Or do you? But treat it as if was none of your business and just support her 100%. Do not ridicule her if she ends up making a decision or mistake that could have been better. Do not do it. Like you, she may make a mistake. Who cares? Have her back, right? Fix any contention with a quick but sincere apology every time you mess up. She just wants you to be nice; remember your wedding day? Don’t forget, okay?
Cut her some slack, won’t you?
So, you really still don’t trust your wife to make the right decisions? Consider this: women seem to be naturally attuned to making the right financial decisions that affect their families, and that includes your well-being too. Like you, some spouses probably have and others probably will mess up their finances; who hasn’t made unwise decisions that affect their finances? Yes, they can and likely will – so get over it, as you’re not perfect yourself. But, like you, can she not learn from mistakes and improve as well? You just need to be entirely patient, kind, and if necessary, get yourself out of the way so the budget can eventually succeed. Counseling together in love is key; carefully listen to her and ask what she wants. It will be better than it has ever been as the two of you are aligned as ‘one’. Tunabudget believes it is your job to change yourself first, and realign your will with hers, as you and your family will be better off as you do so. Don’t be surprised if your indebtedness starts to go away fast, with actual savings in the bank, as you counsel together with love through this process. Why not give it a try? Once your head is in the game, the two of you can prepare and regularly review and tune up your Tunabudget worksheet plan.
Here’s what’s in it for you
So, what does this really do for you? You will enjoy more of what life has to offer than you could ever imagine. It’s funny what happens when you get yourself out of the way. You become a better man, less selfish. You quit focusing on yourself and buying stuff that takes up your time, which takes you away from your wife and children. Inner peace is restored. You become more grateful and thankful. You see things out there more clearly. You’ll care more about your spouse and children, extended family, and even your neighbors. Only when you get yourself out of the way, with full purpose of heart, do you begin to see a whole new world of opportunities. It really brings about a certain closeness with your wife and family, and all of a sudden, your world becomes truly special and meaningful. And, here’s the big answer to your question, because you’re still worried about yourself. Yes, she is going to do her best to put you first in her life. That circle of love is how it all works. Your financial well-being is practically assured.
It is no longer about you – you get it now
Finally, one of the best things your Tunabudget worksheet plan will do for both spouses, and especially when the budget is tight or especially when it’s overwhelmingly tight, is that it shows you both, very clearly, what big changes need to take place. Once you have your eyes open to what changes really should be made, with new heretofore unrealized excitement, you will become more willing than ever before, to go out and make those necessary changes – regardless of the sacrifices. And you will care less about what others think, because all you think about is the welfare and happiness of your wife and family. It’s no longer about you. You get it now. You can see it happening; you’re happier than you’ve ever been before in your life, including your wife too. It doesn’t matter anymore whether or not you drive a fancy truck, the eye-catching car, the sweet golf clubs, expensive hobbies, certain clothes, the hunting and fishing, etc. But what you will find out soon enough, is that your life will be even more genuinely full, and then life really starts to get good. Why? Because your wife, and your children will feel something good is happening in the home; the right changes are being made. There will be a sense of security and safety. This all started because there were changes that started in your heart first. You and your wife will experience something very special. Spouses become like ‘one’. There’s peace. There’s togetherness. There’s love, compassion, and affection for each other. It’s happiness, and maybe a little joy – try that one. That’s when you know you’ve arrived. Your life has more purpose than ever before. To get it though, you have to go all in; that’s why you have to get yourself out of the way first. The spending choices today may be yours, but they may need to be hers to get where you and she, and the children, ought to be.
CANDID QUESTIONS
Since this is a game-changer shift for a lot of people, will you give this a second read?
Will you give this some serious thought?
How about some real serious thought?